Friday, December 10, 2010

I think I am killing my marriage.

I have been with Nate for almost 4 years. You would think that since we have been together for a while I would be completely happy and content. Well, I am, but. 8 years of a man cheating on me every time I turned around has fucked up my head! Yes, I have to admit that while Stephen got his freedom and got to go on with his life I am stuck with the after affects. Not only am I stuck with the after affects apparently so is Nate. With his new duties and responsibilities came new hours and new routines. I do not adapt well to change. This everyone knows. I hate change! Going in extra early, working through lunch, working late, and not having time to call during the day has just wrecked my kingdom! I couldn't help myself and let my worries over run my brain. I accused him of cheating. Yes, I am aware that people are going to say she must be cheating since she accused him. If you think that you are funny. I have 3 kids. During the day they are at school. I am either on Xbox Live playing Black Ops or on Facebook. Trust me my life is an open book. I don't hide anything.

Without looking at the big picture and assuming all men are dogs my thoughts ran with the cheating. Not thinking that this is rear-detachment. There is a considerable amount of paperwork. Not to mention this is not a bunch of squared away soldiers. There are reasons these guys didn't go. Some are chapters, some are busted up waiting on chapters, and well some of them are just pieces of shit! (I call having a shit load of coke in your barracks room a piece of shit. Not the drinkable kind either) I added the schedule to the lack of energy to please me and I decided yea he has to be doing something. Rationally now I know he isn't cheating. He doesn't have time. He doesn't even go to the bar with the guys. He will not do anything that doesn't involve me and the kids. I was fucked up to think that! Even more fucked up that I actually believed he was.

He is a great man. I love him to pieces but there has got to be a way to get over this shit! I know it's going to always be there! There is no way around that, but how in the hell do you get past it? I have tried everything short of killing my X-husband. Even though that will not get rid of the scars I will carry forever. I am over the X-husband. I was over him before divorce was decided. Point of the jumbled random blog is... I want to stop accusing him before I drive him away. It's starting to get to him. I am slowly getting better. I no longer read his text messages when he is sleeping. (Yes I used to do that!) I no longer go behind his back and check his email folders. (Guilty) Most importantly I feel comfortable enough to know if he's alone with my friends I know nothing will happen.

I put myself in his shoes. I on the other hand cheated on him when he was in Iraq. He doesn't see it as cheating but I do. He never once has accused me. I leave a paper trail when I am out of the house, and always make sure he knows where I am. He has all my passwords. Yes ALL of them. Its my way of knowing he can see everything I do. I like it that way. When I add someone new on Facebook I tell him who they are and how I know them. My general rule... never do anything that I would get pissed at him for doing.
If I have to question something then I usually don't do it. I have messed up and done them anyway only to find out I shouldn't have done them. So if you can think of ways I can make this situation better I welcome ideas. I plan on getting him trashed tonight purely for my entertainment and my own

I do love you Nathaniel. I may be a crazed lunatic sometimes but I love you!

No comments: