Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Another addiction I have to fight

For years I struggled with a drug addiction. Constantly starving myself. I would look in the mirror and see this horrendous body. I still do to this day. I constantly see a 500 pound me who looks disgusting and isn't happy. I put shit up my nose and in my veins for years trying to achieve the perfect body. It never worked! Everyone else saw bones and luggage under my eyes. I saw the same fat girl that was never gonna be skinny.
I am still this way to this day. Seriously, the scale says 57 pounds lighter. I see 100 pounds heavier! I will never see myself the way everyone else does. It scares me and aggravates me so much. In my quest to get healthier I made a horrible mistake. I feed my body the closest legal substance that mirrors the one drug I still crave. So what does my body do it gets attached to the OxyELITE. Yes it does work, but for me it's a nightmare now.
 The 2 weeks I took off after the first bottle I noticed I was angry and couldn't be still. I got another bottle and everything was fine. I noticed as I entered the last two weeks of this bottle I started wanting to take more. I was taking all three in the morning. I was drinking 12 bottles of water a day. I wasn't eating because I actually started getting sick when I thought of food. So when I ate I started making myself get sick after I ate. I started eating ex-lax 2 times a day. I was becoming irritated at small things and antsy. I couldn't get over heated without feeling really sick. Saturday I realized I had a huge problem. I gave the OxyElite away thinking I would just stop taking it and I would get better.
Not the case!
My skin is crawling, my muscles are hurting, and I feel horrible. I can't eat now without getting sick because I feel into the routine again. It took me years to over come forcing myself to get sick after meals and it took days to make it a habit again. I find myself searching for the ex-lax (thank god I ran out) so I can the food out of my system that I can't get back up! I am smoking more so I screwed up quitting that. I can't seem to concentrate and I don't want to do the things I love doing!
I wanted to look great for summer and while I did lose weight I created more issues that are so much worse then the extra weight I had on! I have stressed my heart, my kidneys, and my liver. I have starved myself of nutrients it needs and I am wrecking my body with weights at the gym. I literally workout till I hurt and can't move!
I am scared to death. I really think that my head is just so fucked up that I will never look great and I will never be happy. I just want to be happy and be beautiful! Why the fuck can't I just be beautiful and happy? So many of my friends are happy and love themselves. I never have. I sit here and spend money on clothes, makeup, shoes, and the latest shit. All of those things are nice but in the end they don't help me look in the mirror and be happy!
Sometimes I just think that taking 6 months and going back to the old me will make me happy. It will give me the progress I want. Then I realize that is just dumb. If putting shit up my nose and in my veins didn't work before it sure as hell isn't going to work now! Maybe I just need to be committed.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Pieces of me.......

It's been stressful for us since March. Ethan went into the hospital 3 days before my birthday. On my birthday we found out he was going to a residential treatment center. That really set the tone for the year. We have depleted finances going to see him 7 hours away. We had orders putting us 30 minutes from him, but the Army said "Fuck no!". Now we are going to San Antonio. Not to far away from him, but it's a new place.
 I have made sacrifices. Tons of them. I have put a smile on my face and pretended everything was great when it wasn't. That mask I wore fell off today.
Truth be told I am not happy! I feel like I am 60 years old! Like I have been rode hard and put up wet! That isn't a great feeling to have. I have pushed through everything thinking the outcome would be great and life would be perfect when in reality it's not getting better. Things are getting worse.
I feel lonely, unappreciated, not wanted, and ignored. That is honestly how I feel! I have tried time and time again to make things better, but I can't fix them. Today just put the icing on the cake. I have been living in a shaken up 2-liter of coke that is ready to explode, but I manage to keep it under control. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I sat and cried for fuck sake! That is not me. I can't stress like this anymore. I can't wonder every day if this is the day my world will fall apart! I can't live with wondering if my son will get better and worrying about my life at the same time!
That isn't going to help my son one bit. Not to mention the emotional strain the girls have already been through. They shouldn't see their momma upset. Zoe had to hug me and ask if I was alright! That shouldn't have happened, but I couldn't hide it from her. I took the blame. I told her it was mommy's fault and she believed me. She asked why he was mad I told her mommy made him mad. It's mommy's fault. All because I know how much she loves him and she doesn't understand. To her life is cartoons and ice cream. She sees good in everyone and gets upset at the slightest thought that she made someone mad.
I love Zoe's outlook on life. Everything is better with ice cream and hugs from mommy and daddy.
My world is crumbling down around me and it doesn't seem like there is anything that will stop it from happening. My heart is hurting and my brain will not stop trying to figure out where it went wrong. For the first time in a long time (and I mean long time) I am ready to crawl in the hole and pull the dirt on top of me.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Please check out this page!

Can you please like Precious Formals Facebook page and tell them Jen Ashton sent you! 

I was looking at their dresses and found 2 I can't live without! With all the weight loss I need a formal that fits me since Military Ball season is approaching! I will love you all long time if you could please do this. I will include photo's of the 2 dresses that I so very much love!!!

The pink will match my hair! I love the first one because it's different and it reflects my personality!

Finally we get answers!!!!

After dicking us around for about the past month and a half they have finally cut orders!!!! We did have a choice between Fort Meade and Fort Sam Houston. We chose Fort Sam Houston since it is closer to our son! That and it's only like 3 hours from Fort Hood where we wanted to go! So we have orders. I can't say I am thrilled about going there, but it's closer to my son. Everyone has good things to say about it, but I am really nervous. I don't like change. Change scares the ever living piss out of me and throws my life off balance!
While there is plenty of things to do there from what I heard I can't help but worry! I have applied to 4 jobs already and I plan to work. Even if it is McDonalds part time. I am also planning on returning to school. I'll probably go back for nail tech or photography like I wanted. Who knows.
I think the move will be good for us as a family. It's a post neither one of us has been to and there are no memories that include evil people! That is a huge plus. We were told we will have a year stabilization then after that year the Army will decide if we stay there or move somewhere else. I hope they move us quite honestly.
In other news I completed my hair! I finally have it to where I am happy with it. I think! I am thinking there should be more pink, but I don't think that is a good idea since I am planning on working. We shall see. I kinda want to start piercing or tattooing so I might fit in there....lol
I am really happy with the black on the bottom and I love the shade of blonde. My pink is sooo freaking bright. I love it! I may even throw in some purple. Just not sure yet....lol
So this is the moving and life update. Enjoy your day.

Things that make me go HMMMM

After commenting on a friends status on FaceBook I got to thinking about the things that can make me happy when I am in the worst of moods. I decided to compile a list of things that can make me happy. Some of them you may not understand but oh fucking well! It's my list for that reason! So here goes my crazy list of things that me go HMMMMM.

1. Getting head from loud mouth men! For those of you that do not understand that... it's getting a head shot in Call Of Duty! COD is my fave Xbox 360 game! Black Ops to be specific.

2. Getting head! Self explanatory! The hubby is great at it!

3. Makeup! I am so addicted to makeup it isn't funny! Getting new makeup always puts a smile on my face!

4. Getting laid! DUH, who wouldn't get happy from sex. Unless your partner just plain sucks at it! Then it sucks to be you!

5. Playing with my children. They always do crazy silly things that makes mommy smile!

6. Taking photo's. I love taking photo's of my children! My FB is full of photo's.

7. Working out! I know it sounds crazy but the gym is my release. It's where I work the stress out and can relax. I completely clear my mind at the gym and for 2 hours a day I can be totally free.

8. Music! I love music. It can lift me out of a funk and you never know what kind I will play next!

9. My toys! They never say "Not tonight", have ED, or cheat on me! Not that the hubby has.... Just saying I know my toys will NEVER run off with another woman!


10. My wedding ring! Everytime I look at it I feel blessed to have such a wonderful man in our life! I am a spoiled loved woman! That makes me really smile!

So there you have it! The things that can make my bad mood a good one! Have a wonderful Thursday!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

16 years doesn't erase pain

I am having a hard week. Maybe it's the stress from Ethan or the near death experience that fucked up my head. What ever the case is this is proving to be a bad week. May 22 1995 is a day stuck in my head and in my heart. It will never go away and the heart will never fill the void caused that day. Usually I process through the week and come out just fine. This year seems to be different. It's like something pressing on me that is driving memories to the front of my brain. You would think after all this time that I could think about it, move forward, and be fine. That isn't the case this year. Last night I relived every single saddening and heart breaking detail like it was yesterday! When I woke up for a split second I thought I was back in the house in Montgomery! Craziness I tell you!
I am perfectly happy and love my husband to death! Why in the hell is my guardian angel running through my head and making his presence known? Not that I mind the memories, but the sadness is bad. Reliving the incidences is not fun. Those are the painful memories. Seeing the way he looked at the church again, reliving the funeral home, and the first few minutes of finding out about the accident are memories I don't want to remember! I want the good memories! I want the happy memories! That's not the case this week.
It's bothering the Holy Hell out of me. I have processed , I have been through therapy, and I have come to terms with what happened! What the fuck has changed? I know the pain will never go away and that the sadness will forever be there, but what made things harder this year? I hope the therapist has some answers tomorrow because God knows I can't think of anything that will help this situation. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

What the hell is wrong?

After a day like yesterday  I can do without anymore shit going wrong! I mean that with the utmost sincerity! After ending up in the ER with what was a mild heart attack I thought I was going to die untill about 6 last night. The doctor at Rapides Regional said there was nothing wrong with my heart. Today I wake up and well my last two fingers on my left hand are still tingling and I am still in a daze. I am attributing that to the 40 pounds I lost rather quickly and the fact that they discovered I am slightly malnurished. Now we all know I was following a killer diet and working out like crazy. That still doesn't explain the damage from yesterday that is still not better. Today they came to the conclusion it might have been a stroke. WTF?! Seriously at 34 I don't need this! I have been super stressed lately and things with Ethan aren't getting better by any means!
The Army deleted our orders to Fort Hood since Fort Hood feels they can't care for Ethan when he gets released! They cut orders for Fort Lewis in Washington and those were deleted! We had orders for Fort Carson in Colorado and guess what.... Yep those are fucking deleted also! I would be more inclined to think the Army hates us, but we are not the only family having these issues! My friend Ange is having issues also! It's not cool when you know you are being sent somewhere, but they don't know where in the hell to send you! My stress level is so fucking high that I know now what caused yesterday!
Can I blame the Army for this? Damn straight I am blaming them! It's all their fucking fault and no one can tell me other wise!
So yea, here we sit waiting to see what post will accept Ethan's EFMP and see where in the hell we will call home next!
On a lighter note... my husband took advantage of my legal drug induced state and I got killer sex! LMAO!
That has been happening more and more lately and I couldn't be happier. I was in a slump. I have been there for about 3 weeks now and I want to jump out of this hole and be happy! I drastically changed the hair and Friday I am buying new clothes so we shall see!!!!