Tuesday, May 17, 2011

16 years doesn't erase pain

I am having a hard week. Maybe it's the stress from Ethan or the near death experience that fucked up my head. What ever the case is this is proving to be a bad week. May 22 1995 is a day stuck in my head and in my heart. It will never go away and the heart will never fill the void caused that day. Usually I process through the week and come out just fine. This year seems to be different. It's like something pressing on me that is driving memories to the front of my brain. You would think after all this time that I could think about it, move forward, and be fine. That isn't the case this year. Last night I relived every single saddening and heart breaking detail like it was yesterday! When I woke up for a split second I thought I was back in the house in Montgomery! Craziness I tell you!
I am perfectly happy and love my husband to death! Why in the hell is my guardian angel running through my head and making his presence known? Not that I mind the memories, but the sadness is bad. Reliving the incidences is not fun. Those are the painful memories. Seeing the way he looked at the church again, reliving the funeral home, and the first few minutes of finding out about the accident are memories I don't want to remember! I want the good memories! I want the happy memories! That's not the case this week.
It's bothering the Holy Hell out of me. I have processed , I have been through therapy, and I have come to terms with what happened! What the fuck has changed? I know the pain will never go away and that the sadness will forever be there, but what made things harder this year? I hope the therapist has some answers tomorrow because God knows I can't think of anything that will help this situation. 

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