Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Another addiction I have to fight

For years I struggled with a drug addiction. Constantly starving myself. I would look in the mirror and see this horrendous body. I still do to this day. I constantly see a 500 pound me who looks disgusting and isn't happy. I put shit up my nose and in my veins for years trying to achieve the perfect body. It never worked! Everyone else saw bones and luggage under my eyes. I saw the same fat girl that was never gonna be skinny.
I am still this way to this day. Seriously, the scale says 57 pounds lighter. I see 100 pounds heavier! I will never see myself the way everyone else does. It scares me and aggravates me so much. In my quest to get healthier I made a horrible mistake. I feed my body the closest legal substance that mirrors the one drug I still crave. So what does my body do it gets attached to the OxyELITE. Yes it does work, but for me it's a nightmare now.
 The 2 weeks I took off after the first bottle I noticed I was angry and couldn't be still. I got another bottle and everything was fine. I noticed as I entered the last two weeks of this bottle I started wanting to take more. I was taking all three in the morning. I was drinking 12 bottles of water a day. I wasn't eating because I actually started getting sick when I thought of food. So when I ate I started making myself get sick after I ate. I started eating ex-lax 2 times a day. I was becoming irritated at small things and antsy. I couldn't get over heated without feeling really sick. Saturday I realized I had a huge problem. I gave the OxyElite away thinking I would just stop taking it and I would get better.
Not the case!
My skin is crawling, my muscles are hurting, and I feel horrible. I can't eat now without getting sick because I feel into the routine again. It took me years to over come forcing myself to get sick after meals and it took days to make it a habit again. I find myself searching for the ex-lax (thank god I ran out) so I can the food out of my system that I can't get back up! I am smoking more so I screwed up quitting that. I can't seem to concentrate and I don't want to do the things I love doing!
I wanted to look great for summer and while I did lose weight I created more issues that are so much worse then the extra weight I had on! I have stressed my heart, my kidneys, and my liver. I have starved myself of nutrients it needs and I am wrecking my body with weights at the gym. I literally workout till I hurt and can't move!
I am scared to death. I really think that my head is just so fucked up that I will never look great and I will never be happy. I just want to be happy and be beautiful! Why the fuck can't I just be beautiful and happy? So many of my friends are happy and love themselves. I never have. I sit here and spend money on clothes, makeup, shoes, and the latest shit. All of those things are nice but in the end they don't help me look in the mirror and be happy!
Sometimes I just think that taking 6 months and going back to the old me will make me happy. It will give me the progress I want. Then I realize that is just dumb. If putting shit up my nose and in my veins didn't work before it sure as hell isn't going to work now! Maybe I just need to be committed.

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