It's been stressful for us since March. Ethan went into the hospital 3 days before my birthday. On my birthday we found out he was going to a residential treatment center. That really set the tone for the year. We have depleted finances going to see him 7 hours away. We had orders putting us 30 minutes from him, but the Army said "Fuck no!". Now we are going to San Antonio. Not to far away from him, but it's a new place.
I have made sacrifices. Tons of them. I have put a smile on my face and pretended everything was great when it wasn't. That mask I wore fell off today.
Truth be told I am not happy! I feel like I am 60 years old! Like I have been rode hard and put up wet! That isn't a great feeling to have. I have pushed through everything thinking the outcome would be great and life would be perfect when in reality it's not getting better. Things are getting worse.
I feel lonely, unappreciated, not wanted, and ignored. That is honestly how I feel! I have tried time and time again to make things better, but I can't fix them. Today just put the icing on the cake. I have been living in a shaken up 2-liter of coke that is ready to explode, but I manage to keep it under control. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I sat and cried for fuck sake! That is not me. I can't stress like this anymore. I can't wonder every day if this is the day my world will fall apart! I can't live with wondering if my son will get better and worrying about my life at the same time!
That isn't going to help my son one bit. Not to mention the emotional strain the girls have already been through. They shouldn't see their momma upset. Zoe had to hug me and ask if I was alright! That shouldn't have happened, but I couldn't hide it from her. I took the blame. I told her it was mommy's fault and she believed me. She asked why he was mad I told her mommy made him mad. It's mommy's fault. All because I know how much she loves him and she doesn't understand. To her life is cartoons and ice cream. She sees good in everyone and gets upset at the slightest thought that she made someone mad.
I love Zoe's outlook on life. Everything is better with ice cream and hugs from mommy and daddy.
My world is crumbling down around me and it doesn't seem like there is anything that will stop it from happening. My heart is hurting and my brain will not stop trying to figure out where it went wrong. For the first time in a long time (and I mean long time) I am ready to crawl in the hole and pull the dirt on top of me.