Thursday, February 17, 2011

I got secrets also....

My girl Falen *AKA* Thundercat posted an excellent blog on secrets in your closet.
We all have the damn things. It's just only some of us are willing to open and share those secrets. That is understandable. Secrets put into those closets are our most deepest darkest things we have done. They could be used against us. Face it - The world is an evil place.
I have a couple that are way back in my closet. They are hidden by a wall of concrete and then I hung sheet rock over that. Those are the ones that would probably get me into a lot of trouble. At least I think of them in that way.
I've tried to kill myself 3 times. I have overdosed on pills, I have wrecked a car on purpose, and I have slit my wrist. The right way. I will not add to that since my daughter does blog and well I don't want to teach any lessons here. I have been through some rough shit. I lost my first true love in a car accident, I have been raped, I have been abused both psychically and mentally, and I have witnessed some nasty shit. I drank my self into the ground almost every night. I did drugs to try to cope. Sometimes I mixed the two and damn near killed myself. I have slept with men I knew were married. I figured, hell women are doing it to me. Then I realized I was causing them to feel what I didn't want to feel. It wasn't right.
I can truly say that I have learned from my mistakes and I learned what to watch out for that my parents missed. No matter how bad I thought I had it I knew there was someone that had it worse.
I have also learned that no matter how happy you try to make your children you will never make them 100% happy. You can't buy their love or happiness. They will have broken hearts, they will endure pain, and they will also have to learn from their mistakes just as we have had to do. You can't take away someones pain and heart ache but you can help them through it. I just hope my children do not encounter the amount of pain and heart ache I did.