Which way is right?

Is there a correct direction to the perfect path way of life? This week has been a roller coaster. To say the least. I have had 2 conversations  no make that 3 conversations with my x-husband. All have went surprisingly well. Almost to good to be true. Anyway, he's coming down here Sunday throughout Tuesday. We leave the next day for Louisiana, but it is cool. The kids are excited to see their daddy. I am being a supportive mom, but a cautious mom.

On top of that my chest muscle ripped again! Yea, I get to have surgery. After my other surgery! Tomorrow I go get marked up for Abdominalplasty and lypo! I can hardly contain my excitement over this. I am so fucking scared at the same time! I am truly scared. Like every time I think about the surgery my heart just races. This is something I have to get under control before the event.

I had this whole blog laid out in my head, but it's all kinds of fucked up! I have been sitting under the koala tree for about 2 hours. I have forgotten what I want to add to this. So fuck it! Have a wonderful night everyone.

Ramblings and nervous feelings

I sit here waiting for the results of "Diva's" MRI. I am so scared. I am trying to remain positive but it's hard to do right now. Last week I got a small vacation to a psych hospital. I was literally having a nervous/mental breakdown. Turns out it's bipolar and M.D.D ( which is Major Depressive Disorder). Go figure.

2 days after getting out my children informed me they wanted a relationship with their sperm donor! If you don't know the story there's several previous blogs that refer to him. SEVERAL! So in the interest of my children and knowing what it's like to not have my father I caved. I am being positive that he will be the father they want him to be. I love his Uncle so it's nice to be able to speak with them again. My stress level is through the roof though!

So close to the final adoption and now they want him. It's frustrating! Top that with diva's issues, and getting adjusted to new medications!!!! It's killing me. The anti-depressants are making things worse as they start to build up in my system. I literally feel like I am losing my mind. I did get informed that getting better will be hard due to being normal for the first time...lol. That cracked me up.

So if you follow my blog please any advice would be wonderful. I think I just need a great therapist, a .45, a bottle of wine, and a get away car with a driver! 

Be free to be yourself

I thought maybe I was being an emotional dumb ass the other day and thought that I might be over reacting. Uh, not so much the case. I ordered some awesome couples toys from edenfantasys thinking it would put a spark back into things and that was so far from the truth! I've had one night stands. (Gasp, OMG, how could she?) Yea, I have nothing to hide so I can admit I used to be a whore. So I know the feeling when someone isn't into the act of fornication. That's how I felt last night! Like I was a disposal for sperm because someone was just going through the actions.

I totally tried to explain how I felt and thought I did a good job. I though he understood I felt unwanted, a stranger in my own home, and not important. So his way of making things better was to be a robot and just do what I want and act like I want. (Seriously not cool!) That doesn't fix the problem. That doesn't make things better! Bottom line after our talk ( which was during that wonderful after climax time where you feel relaxed) I got the big picture thrown at me. He isn't happy. I can see it. My heart broke. No my heart shattered! For Christ sake he left the bedroom after sex and slept on the couch!

I felt like I was doing the walk of shame down my own hallway! That is not cool. For months ( a year to be exact) I have been patient. I dealt with the mood swings, the impatience, and the low sex drive. I have been here. I have supported him. I have tried and tried again to do this to make things work. After last night the wick on this candle burned out. I have to tell my children that the man that they love will be leaving our life. I will now have to hold each of them as they cry because I know this is going to be hard on them! Forget my pain. He reminded them how daddy's should be and loved them when their own father abandoned them.

I remember the look on their faces when I told them Stephen and I were splitting. I know the hurt they went through. I was there when Nate promised them he would never leave. The kids accepted that. They latched on to him. Little Diva has to have her daddy time. I worry about her health and how she is going to take this blow. Big Diva is at the age where I think this will scar her worse and possibly cause her to go even further into an emotional shell. Little man is possibly going to freak out. He hasn't gotten over what his biological father has done. All in all I am not prepared to handle this. Nothing can make this any easier. This hurts horribly.

So here it is 2 weeks before what should be the happiest time of the year and I get to hurt my children. I have to tell them we are leaving. I seriously just want to die. I don't want to break their hearts. I don't want to see their pain. I don't want to deal with my pain. Everyone says, "Divorce is easier the second time!" Bullshit. The thought of living without him upsets me. The thought of not having him lay beside me scares me. But I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I can't run away and pretend nothing ever happened. FML! I am going to the gym to work out! 

Taking a right turn at the crossroads

Many of you that have read this from the start know it's not exactly been easy. My husband doesn't have children of his own. I can't give him a child. He married me knowing I had 4 children and a lot of baggage. Since we have gotten married it's been one hurdle after another. We survived deployment. Barely. We had our son in and out of hospitals due to his issues. We have struggled so much and I still stayed. Money doesn't make happiness. Love does. Lord knows we had months where there was no money and we were happy.

The Army moved us for the good of our son and to be able to get him the help he needed. The move stressed an already stressed relationship even more. Since we have gotten here our pay has been jacked up from the beginning. There have been even more hurdles added. Now Zoe is having issues and they are life threatening issues. His work is putting such a high demand on him that when he comes home he is a different person and snappy.

I have seen the children change, I have seen a change in myself, and now I see the change in him even more. I am at a crossroad. I have to do what's best for the children, myself, and him. I see that he is unhappy, he is stressed, frustrated, and just mean. I can't change that. I can't help help for my insecurities while I feel I am a stranger in a my own home. I have decided that the best thing is to set him free. No more worry about the health of the children, no more worry about me begging for attention, and no more stress about finances. I can work on me and the kids and help them understand that it's for the best.

It's sucks badly. I have been in tears all morning. I love him so much. I just think this is the best way to end things. This way it doesn't get worse and we end up hating each other. I am leaving with only our clothes and personal items. I am not asking for anything that was bought together. I am not that kind of person. I will not be a bitch and take everything. I love him to much for that. Maybe he can figure out a way to get help and realize what is going on. I have tried to explain but it doesn't work. Maybe now he can get help and realize what I have been trying to tell him all along.

This isn't easy by any means. I love him with every ounce of my body. He has been there for us. Now he needs to be there for himself.

Looking for a naughty present? Look here!

IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 STOP HERE!

If you are like me and I know most of you are then I have the perfect place for all your sexy and naughty gift ideas! How many of you readers actually know about edenfantasys? They are an excellent source for those adult gifts. They now carry make up!!!! Which is freaking awesome! The idea of having everything in a one stop shop is freaking awesome!!!!

 I have decided to share with you the joy of lip balm!

This is the 12 days of Christmas lip set!

What a wonderful array of colors! Click on over and check it out! This would make a great gift for anyone on your Christmas list!

For you body lovers there are plenty of lotions, oils, moisturizers, and for those naughty little elves they have edible body treatments! I am telling you there is something for everyone at edenfantasys.

Now to the great part! The Holiday sale is going on right now!!!! You can save up to 70% off select products! Who wouldn't want to take advantage of that? I know I am taking advantage of that!

The thought of a new sex toy for a discounted price makes me all warm and fuzzy inside! OK, so it's probably the day dream I just had about that new toy, but it's a wonderful feeling!

edenfantasys isn't just for the ladies! So you men out there can find your needs as well! My husbands personal fave is the Fleshlight. This thing goes on deployments, field exercises, and gets used when I have a headache. Yes, I get headaches... lol. In the spirit of Christmas since I shared his fave sex toy I figured I would share mine also! It's the Under the Bed Restraint System! I love when I get to be dominated. This set is freaking amazing and pretty much stays on my bed! There are beginner sets to work your way up to the restraint system.

If bondage isn't your cup of tea and you are more reserved they have a huge list of other wonderful toys! I just added the G4 tiger to my wish list! Check it out! It looks amazing and the reviews make me want to order it today!

So now that I have tickled your Fancy's or shall I say fantasy's. Jump on over and check out all they have to offer!



I am addicting to looking perfect and FYF!!

Yet again I bought a bottle of OxyELITE Pro. (Yes, I know I did have an issue with it, but I waited 2 months to get this botttle) This time I added Omega Cuts Extreme Muscle Definition. I have 20 damn pounds to go!!!! The scale this morning screamed 155!!! Two months with no supplements, lots of stress, little to no exercise, and no weight gain! I can wear my daughters size 9 skinny jeans!!! With the 20 pounds I need to loose I know I will be a 7 quick! Realisticly size 5 isn't going to happen, but HELL I didn't think I would see this!!! I feel freaking awesome! Also, Thanks to a very sexy woman yesterday I saw for the first time the body I have now and not a 500 pound beached whale! I had to go to Victoria Secret's and get remeasured for bras. 36 D!!!! Damn near a 34 !!!! That alone will make a woman who has worked hard realize her accomplishments! It's not just the pants getting bigger! I needed to see the whole package! So I poured myself into a corset, which I haven't been able to wear from there in 6 years!) and I found my self feeling sexy! I came up with the perfect outfit for New Years Eve! Even if we don't go anyhere! That corset top, some jeans that fit, and these sexy ass Zebra heels I bought! OOPS! I hope the hubby doesn't read this!!!!!

Now for my Fuck You Friday!!!

Fuck You Aafes!!!!!!!!!!!! They are not allowing OxyElite Pro to be sold on post anymore! It's too strong. (If you ask me it's helping with the weight program people and they can't kick them out!)

Fuck you to the Stores!!!!!! I can't find a sexy zebra shirt to wear with mynew heels.

Fuck You sickness that has latched onto Zoe! I need you to go away and find a field mouse or something else!

Fuck You Stephen!!!!!! For years I struggled with how I look due to the women you cheated with! I have now realized I wasted time. It was never me! It was you! I am beautiful and sexy. You knew you would never top me so you had to go lower!

I have made a lot of self improvement. I have done a lot of thinking! The negative is gone. Carefree, happy, and bitchy Jen is back! I have to be extra strong for Zoe and I want her to see positives not negatives! 

Have a great weekend everyone.! This isn't spell checked due to time issues. That and I just don't care...lol. 

It's Naughty list time!!!!

A wonderful way to get your naughtiness out. It was started by a crazy, no holds barred, balls to wall chick! Seriously, if you don't believe me head on over and read her blog. While you are there join the Naughty List and follow her blog. You will not be disappointed! 

This week my naughtiness is not at all that naughty. I decided that I have to have sex when I want it! Not when the husband wants it. I got inebriated last night in hopes of having some dirty wild sex, but I was stalled in my tracks! So, when I got told not right now I am still stressed I said " Fuck this I will do myself" So, I got close with my fave toy, made myself happy, and became content. Then when he came to bed I rolled over and ignored him! I have needs and wants and I will not go without because he needs a minute. You make me wait and I will make you wait!

I also decided that I will be taking more time for me. Yes, this is something I haven't done for a long time! So I planned a trip for me and the kids to visit a friend while he goes to Louisiana being an escort! The kids and I will enjoy the three days doing every crazy thing we can do. While the kids can't bar hop or partake in strip clubs we will have fun! I booked a sexy photo shoot for one of those days just for mommy! So it's going to be awesome! What a better way to celebrate a 70 pound weight loss!!!!!

See, not naughty in the least. I know it isn't as cool as the linky creator but give me time. The Holidays bring out the naughty in me! Usually its more evil, but still naughty. Have a wonderful week.



Really, why make an Angel struggle?

Today was a long day for all of us. My precious little angel "Diva" had a full seizure and 2 partials. Now I know most of you are going "Come on Jen and woman up." These particular seizures hit me as if I was driving 85 mph and slammed straight into a brick wall that didn't budge! You see "diva" started having seizures at the age of 14 months! They followed a hard 14 months. She died not once but 3 times before she turned 6 months.

She never hit the milestones the other babies or her siblings had hit by 6 months. She was 13 months before she pulled herself up. Looking at her you would never had guessed that. She was smiling and always happy. The night she had her very first gut wrenching seizure she smiled within 2 seconds of coming out of it. This was the day she had her tongue clipped due to being tongue tied. (Mommy was a big ball of mess!)

She went on for the next 4 years having seizures despite the medication. At the age of four they found her ear canals were blocked. She was 85% deaf. They unblocked the ears and placed tubes. Her hearing became perfect. Within weeks she was uttering words. She started singing. We discovered her love of music had increased.

We were told then that it would be a miracle if our angel was with us at her sixth birthday. That birthday came and went. The seizures stopped and her learning was taking off. She had started down the road that appeared to lead her to being on track for her age. Over the course of the past year we have noticed her short term memory loss. She was forgetting what she learned 3 weeks prior. As of last week we found out in fact she is now back at a first grade level. She is 9!

As I sat in her meeting at school and listened to those teachers go over everything my heart sank. We couldn't understand how this could have happened. Well, the answer hit me at 7 this morning when I walked in her room and found her having a seizure. Suddenly everything was clear. The seizures were back and they were back with a fury.

She had one on the way to the hospital and one in the waiting room. With each seizure I saw the lines on her face, the draw on her mouth on the right side, and the terror in her eyes. My poor baby smiled through it all. It never phased her, but took years off me. Her EEG was severely abnormal. So bad to the point where the Neuro Doc was questioning the reading. After 7 hours we left with a seizure medication to start, a Genetic counseling appointment, a date for hospitalization, and ton of stuff to process.

Most of all questions! How can this happen? What did I do wrong? Why would such an angel be cursed with something else? How can God have this kind of plan for such a strong little girl who has already suffered so much? It's not fair. I can't help but think of something a wise friend said to me, "God doesn't give you something you can't handle."

My little girl is so caring, so happy, so strong, and always sees the good in everything and everyone! I am so mad that I can't take this from her! To take the pain away and know she will be alright. The hardest thing to swallow is the fear of not knowing. The fear of listening to yet another doctor mutter, "You have to understand that this could be fatal. She could end up with irreversible damage. "Diva" could have an underlying condition that could result in a not so great outcome."

What is a mother to do? Right now I want to scream, hug the crap out of her, and wrap her in bubble wrap all at the same time! I am lost!

"Diva" at a week old

"Diva" at a year

"Diva" today

I refuse to believe we can't beat this! I will not give up. My baby girl will be alright!



Wow, didn't see that coming!

It's been so long since I have blogged on the regular. Things have been all crazy and up in the air. Finally settled in at the new house. Can't say that I love it here. I actually hate it here. Did I mention I hated it here? Every street has drama. Every post has it's share of problems. I just seem to live in the middle of the shit no matter which post we move to. It's like I am a magnet for shit that will go wrong. It's quite funny actually.

I am the type of person that will stop talking to someone if I think they aren't my type of person. I learned my lesson years ago about being someone I am not. I will not be friends with someone that goes against everything I think is right. It's my decision to keep myself surrounded with positive people. Though I am aware that everyone has flaws. EVERYONE.

I have flaws. I do things people think are wrong. I understand that not everyone likes a completely fabulous person. OK, so that is not completely true. I am not completely fabulous, but I am damn close! I love my children and husband very much. I wouldn't dare dream of cheating on him and throwing everything I worked hard on away. I try to do the right thing almost 90% of the time. I think that is a good percentage, but to others they want 100% of the time.

Now that I have rambled on I will sort of get to the point I am making. I have worked hard to be a better person. Anger management was the hardest thing in the world to endure but I have mastered it. I don't believe in going off half cocked anymore. ( I said Cock!) Anyway! I will let things build up to a point where it needs to be addressed. I have grown wiser in my years and know that slapping the stupid out of someone doesn't get you anything but a CHARGE. I think the best quote I saw today was "You can't shake the stupid out of people!" Lord knows I wish I could, but it's not worth it.

Don't mistake my silence for weakness and fear!

I am a woman who has scars. I have been kick while down and kicked people while they were down. I learned from my mistakes and vowed to never repeat them. Life isn't forever! Life isn't easy! We didn't get a manual on how to get out alive because we don't get out of it alive!

If you don't like me that is on you. If you think I have issues then to you maybe I do. I am me. That is all I can ever be. If you think you are better then me GREAT! Everyone should have a high self-esteem. =) If you are talking about me behind my back then kiss my ass while you are there!

Haters make me famous!



Keeping my sanity

I once again had to say goodbye to my child. After having him home a week after he gets out of residential he had to go back! This time to a different facility and now we have no clue what is going to happen. I am about to crack. I just want him home for good! I hope this doctor can find the right combination of medications.

In other news. Same shit different day. I hate drama. I don't talk about people behind their backs and quite honestly I don't care to know anyone's business. I moved to be closer to my son. Not to find, create, or be in the middle of drama. I figure if I keep to myself I can avoid the drama and not want to slit my wrists.

While yes my neighbors are quite nice and my children have made new friends I just feel that I am alone. No one is going through this sort of thing and no one can understand the true way my brain works. I think about things deeply and look at all angle's. I expect the negative because I am a pessimist. It's part of being a paranoid schzophrenic.

I don't trust anyone. I have constant thoughts that negative shit will happen. So I question everything. I have learned that if you don't put yourself in the situation then you don't have to worry about the outcome. With that being said I am probably deleting all my social media sites. I have to much going on to add anything new to the pot. 

The view from the outside sucks

Sometimes I sit back and look at things. My views are different from others but that is why they are in fact my views. Now with that being said, it's one of those blogs where I have to get shit off my chest before I fucking explode. I have a friend (and I use that term loosely) that is having a hard time. Now if you are having a hard time I understand people cope differently. Yes, I know that everyone is different. Shocker! Any who. I have noticed a trend. She is talking shit about others behind their back, but still continues to treat them as they are her friends.

This is my opinion. My own twisted fucking thought process came up with the following thought. If you are talking about someone behind their back then don't fucking talk to them to their face. That is how Drama starts and honestly there isn't something I would say behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face. Seriously, ladies and gentlemen. If you talk about someone behind their back and then go to them for help or go to them cause they have the cool stuff you want... NEW FLASH: THAT'S USING SOMEONE!

Another thing that just chaps my ass. When you have a great man, but you bitch about him! We are all quilty of that from time to time. It's the women that take it to the extreme and just treat their man like shit 24/7 that pisses me off. If you aren't happy leave him so he can find a good woman that will love him!

I know this has ended up being a bitch fest but damn. I hate seeing people I know do shady shit! If you talk about me behind my back I could care less. Truth be told I don't trust anyone anyway. Chances are I assume you are talking about me anyway! That's part of my issues.

 I am cutting out the negative in my life. So I am cutting out the negative people.

I took my vows seriously when I said " I DO". I love, honor, and cherish my husband. Not just when I want something, but all the time! I wouldn't dare cheat on him. Lord knows I could have by now, but chose to be faithful. How hard is it? I don't care if you swear you are the biggest NYMPHO, you can masterbate till your man comes home! Trust me I know this all too well!

Ladies, please think before you cheat, lie, or treat your man like shit!

Gentlemen, please think before you cheat, lie, or treat your lady like shit!

KARMA is a BITCH! 

Wow... same crap different place and time.

I sit here in the new house wondering why I even moved. Yes, we finally made it to Fort Sam Houston. Thanks to the moving company we lost a lot of our household goods. They were either damaged or just totally missing. Hell, a lot of our shit was so broken it looked like they threw it off the truck. That started the shitty time here.

I had done all the paperwork for school for the fall semester and did the paperwork for the GI Bill. Only to find out that I had to drop the classes cause I wouldn't be able to get the shit I needed in time! I can't find a job, need to buy a new washer and dryer, new beds for the kids, school clothes, and school supplies.

So you see the stress. It's a fucking 6 foot hole that I am laying in the bottom of. The dirt is falling in on top of me and there isn't shit I can do.

The only positive thing this week so far is finding out Ethan is coming home next week. I just hope I can find a job before then because he has grown so much since he has been gone and needs a new wardrobe. So yes, the move didn't make things better. It fucked shit up far worse then it was! Don't even get me started on the King of the house. I will be back to blogging on the reg and things will get happier.... maybe. 

Another addiction I have to fight

For years I struggled with a drug addiction. Constantly starving myself. I would look in the mirror and see this horrendous body. I still do to this day. I constantly see a 500 pound me who looks disgusting and isn't happy. I put shit up my nose and in my veins for years trying to achieve the perfect body. It never worked! Everyone else saw bones and luggage under my eyes. I saw the same fat girl that was never gonna be skinny.

I am still this way to this day. Seriously, the scale says 57 pounds lighter. I see 100 pounds heavier! I will never see myself the way everyone else does. It scares me and aggravates me so much. In my quest to get healthier I made a horrible mistake. I feed my body the closest legal substance that mirrors the one drug I still crave. So what does my body do it gets attached to the OxyELITE. Yes it does work, but for me it's a nightmare now.

 The 2 weeks I took off after the first bottle I noticed I was angry and couldn't be still. I got another bottle and everything was fine. I noticed as I entered the last two weeks of this bottle I started wanting to take more. I was taking all three in the morning. I was drinking 12 bottles of water a day. I wasn't eating because I actually started getting sick when I thought of food. So when I ate I started making myself get sick after I ate. I started eating ex-lax 2 times a day. I was becoming irritated at small things and antsy. I couldn't get over heated without feeling really sick. Saturday I realized I had a huge problem. I gave the OxyElite away thinking I would just stop taking it and I would get better.

Not the case!

My skin is crawling, my muscles are hurting, and I feel horrible. I can't eat now without getting sick because I feel into the routine again. It took me years to over come forcing myself to get sick after meals and it took days to make it a habit again. I find myself searching for the ex-lax (thank god I ran out) so I can the food out of my system that I can't get back up! I am smoking more so I screwed up quitting that. I can't seem to concentrate and I don't want to do the things I love doing!

I wanted to look great for summer and while I did lose weight I created more issues that are so much worse then the extra weight I had on! I have stressed my heart, my kidneys, and my liver. I have starved myself of nutrients it needs and I am wrecking my body with weights at the gym. I literally workout till I hurt and can't move!

I am scared to death. I really think that my head is just so fucked up that I will never look great and I will never be happy. I just want to be happy and be beautiful! Why the fuck can't I just be beautiful and happy? So many of my friends are happy and love themselves. I never have. I sit here and spend money on clothes, makeup, shoes, and the latest shit. All of those things are nice but in the end they don't help me look in the mirror and be happy!

Sometimes I just think that taking 6 months and going back to the old me will make me happy. It will give me the progress I want. Then I realize that is just dumb. If putting shit up my nose and in my veins didn't work before it sure as hell isn't going to work now! Maybe I just need to be committed.

Pieces of me.......

It's been stressful for us since March. Ethan went into the hospital 3 days before my birthday. On my birthday we found out he was going to a residential treatment center. That really set the tone for the year. We have depleted finances going to see him 7 hours away. We had orders putting us 30 minutes from him, but the Army said "Fuck no!". Now we are going to San Antonio. Not to far away from him, but it's a new place.

 I have made sacrifices. Tons of them. I have put a smile on my face and pretended everything was great when it wasn't. That mask I wore fell off today.

Truth be told I am not happy! I feel like I am 60 years old! Like I have been rode hard and put up wet! That isn't a great feeling to have. I have pushed through everything thinking the outcome would be great and life would be perfect when in reality it's not getting better. Things are getting worse.

I feel lonely, unappreciated, not wanted, and ignored. That is honestly how I feel! I have tried time and time again to make things better, but I can't fix them. Today just put the icing on the cake. I have been living in a shaken up 2-liter of coke that is ready to explode, but I manage to keep it under control. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I sat and cried for fuck sake! That is not me. I can't stress like this anymore. I can't wonder every day if this is the day my world will fall apart! I can't live with wondering if my son will get better and worrying about my life at the same time!

That isn't going to help my son one bit. Not to mention the emotional strain the girls have already been through. They shouldn't see their momma upset. Zoe had to hug me and ask if I was alright! That shouldn't have happened, but I couldn't hide it from her. I took the blame. I told her it was mommy's fault and she believed me. She asked why he was mad I told her mommy made him mad. It's mommy's fault. All because I know how much she loves him and she doesn't understand. To her life is cartoons and ice cream. She sees good in everyone and gets upset at the slightest thought that she made someone mad.

I love Zoe's outlook on life. Everything is better with ice cream and hugs from mommy and daddy.

My world is crumbling down around me and it doesn't seem like there is anything that will stop it from happening. My heart is hurting and my brain will not stop trying to figure out where it went wrong. For the first time in a long time (and I mean long time) I am ready to crawl in the hole and pull the dirt on top of me.

Please check out this page!

Can you please like Precious Formals Facebook page and tell them Jen Ashton sent you! 

Click Here if you missed it!

I was looking at their dresses and found 2 I can't live without! With all the weight loss I need a formal that fits me since Military Ball season is approaching! I will love you all long time if you could please do this. I will include photo's of the 2 dresses that I so very much love!!!

The pink will match my hair! I love the first one because it's different and it reflects my personality!

*HUGS AND KISSES*

Finally we get answers!!!!

After dicking us around for about the past month and a half they have finally cut orders!!!! We did have a choice between Fort Meade and Fort Sam Houston. We chose Fort Sam Houston since it is closer to our son! That and it's only like 3 hours from Fort Hood where we wanted to go! So we have orders. I can't say I am thrilled about going there, but it's closer to my son. Everyone has good things to say about it, but I am really nervous. I don't like change. Change scares the ever living piss out of me and throws my life off balance!

While there is plenty of things to do there from what I heard I can't help but worry! I have applied to 4 jobs already and I plan to work. Even if it is McDonalds part time. I am also planning on returning to school. I'll probably go back for nail tech or photography like I wanted. Who knows.

I think the move will be good for us as a family. It's a post neither one of us has been to and there are no memories that include evil people! That is a huge plus. We were told we will have a year stabilization then after that year the Army will decide if we stay there or move somewhere else. I hope they move us quite honestly.

In other news I completed my hair! I finally have it to where I am happy with it. I think! I am thinking there should be more pink, but I don't think that is a good idea since I am planning on working. We shall see. I kinda want to start piercing or tattooing so I might fit in there....lol

I am really happy with the black on the bottom and I love the shade of blonde. My pink is sooo freaking bright. I love it! I may even throw in some purple. Just not sure yet....lol

So this is the moving and life update. Enjoy your day.

Things that make me go HMMMM

After commenting on a friends status on FaceBook I got to thinking about the things that can make me happy when I am in the worst of moods. I decided to compile a list of things that can make me happy. Some of them you may not understand but oh fucking well! It's my list for that reason! So here goes my crazy list of things that me go HMMMMM.

1. Getting head from loud mouth men! For those of you that do not understand that... it's getting a head shot in Call Of Duty! COD is my fave Xbox 360 game! Black Ops to be specific.

2. Getting head! Self explanatory! The hubby is great at it!

3. Makeup! I am so addicted to makeup it isn't funny! Getting new makeup always puts a smile on my face!

4. Getting laid! DUH, who wouldn't get happy from sex. Unless your partner just plain sucks at it! Then it sucks to be you!

5. Playing with my children. They always do crazy silly things that makes mommy smile!

6. Taking photo's. I love taking photo's of my children! My FB is full of photo's.

7. Working out! I know it sounds crazy but the gym is my release. It's where I work the stress out and can relax. I completely clear my mind at the gym and for 2 hours a day I can be totally free.

8. Music! I love music. It can lift me out of a funk and you never know what kind I will play next!

9. My toys! They never say "Not tonight", have ED, or cheat on me! Not that the hubby has.... Just saying I know my toys will NEVER run off with another woman!

AND FINALLY

10. My wedding ring! Everytime I look at it I feel blessed to have such a wonderful man in our life! I am a spoiled loved woman! That makes me really smile!

So there you have it! The things that can make my bad mood a good one! Have a wonderful Thursday!

16 years doesn't erase pain

I am having a hard week. Maybe it's the stress from Ethan or the near death experience that fucked up my head. What ever the case is this is proving to be a bad week. May 22 1995 is a day stuck in my head and in my heart. It will never go away and the heart will never fill the void caused that day. Usually I process through the week and come out just fine. This year seems to be different. It's like something pressing on me that is driving memories to the front of my brain. You would think after all this time that I could think about it, move forward, and be fine. That isn't the case this year. Last night I relived every single saddening and heart breaking detail like it was yesterday! When I woke up for a split second I thought I was back in the house in Montgomery! Craziness I tell you!

I am perfectly happy and love my husband to death! Why in the hell is my guardian angel running through my head and making his presence known? Not that I mind the memories, but the sadness is bad. Reliving the incidences is not fun. Those are the painful memories. Seeing the way he looked at the church again, reliving the funeral home, and the first few minutes of finding out about the accident are memories I don't want to remember! I want the good memories! I want the happy memories! That's not the case this week.

It's bothering the Holy Hell out of me. I have processed , I have been through therapy, and I have come to terms with what happened! What the fuck has changed? I know the pain will never go away and that the sadness will forever be there, but what made things harder this year? I hope the therapist has some answers tomorrow because God knows I can't think of anything that will help this situation. 

What the hell is wrong?

After a day like yesterday  I can do without anymore shit going wrong! I mean that with the utmost sincerity! After ending up in the ER with what was a mild heart attack I thought I was going to die untill about 6 last night. The doctor at Rapides Regional said there was nothing wrong with my heart. Today I wake up and well my last two fingers on my left hand are still tingling and I am still in a daze. I am attributing that to the 40 pounds I lost rather quickly and the fact that they discovered I am slightly malnurished. Now we all know I was following a killer diet and working out like crazy. That still doesn't explain the damage from yesterday that is still not better. Today they came to the conclusion it might have been a stroke. WTF?! Seriously at 34 I don't need this! I have been super stressed lately and things with Ethan aren't getting better by any means!

The Army deleted our orders to Fort Hood since Fort Hood feels they can't care for Ethan when he gets released! They cut orders for Fort Lewis in Washington and those were deleted! We had orders for Fort Carson in Colorado and guess what.... Yep those are fucking deleted also! I would be more inclined to think the Army hates us, but we are not the only family having these issues! My friend Ange is having issues also! It's not cool when you know you are being sent somewhere, but they don't know where in the hell to send you! My stress level is so fucking high that I know now what caused yesterday!

Can I blame the Army for this? Damn straight I am blaming them! It's all their fucking fault and no one can tell me other wise!

So yea, here we sit waiting to see what post will accept Ethan's EFMP and see where in the hell we will call home next!

On a lighter note... my husband took advantage of my legal drug induced state and I got killer sex! LMAO!

That has been happening more and more lately and I couldn't be happier. I was in a slump. I have been there for about 3 weeks now and I want to jump out of this hole and be happy! I drastically changed the hair and Friday I am buying new clothes so we shall see!!!! 

The road to fabulousness and updates

I have been on the yellow brick road to fabulousness for almost 2 months. While I have to report a total of 39.4 pounds lost there are hurdles on the path to greatness! After nearly killing myself on the first cycle of OxyElite Pro I took 2 weeks off and ate everything healthy I could find. Kidneys are functioning great again and muscle spasms are gone. Except for when I don't go to the gym. Nearly two weeks back into the 2nd cycle I have freaking injured my fucking shoulder AGAIN!! Well not actually the shoulder but the muscle.

I do 3 miles a day now with no problems! I am doing 100 reps on each ab machine without the progress I want. Don't get me wrong. There is progress but not the wash board abs I want to fucking see! I have come to realize that I will not get to see those until I have the complete abdominal plasty. Yes, I am going to have it done.

After years of stress, video games, lots of soda, and being lazy there is no way they will get flat without plastic surgery. I popped out 5 kids for crying out loud! That's a lot of strain on those muscles. So I have this skin that just flops where my 6 pack should be! It's fucking disgusting, but it shows I have worked hard! I am damn proud of that skin! It's fucking battle scars. Anyway, that is coming probably in September. That gives me time to finish getting to my goal weight and be settled in the new house.

Speaking of new house. T-17 days and we will be in Texas! 30 minutes away from Ethan and enjoying the Texas weather yet again! This move is going to be sooo great! The girls are even excited. Ary can't stop telling daddy all about Fort Hood and how great it is! Honestly I think it's the fact that there are so many things to do, a mall, and the fact that we will no longer be making a 7 hour drive to visit Ethan! At least I hope she is happier about her brother. Knowing her it's the shopping....lol.

 The girl was wearing my brown heels today! She is a natural. Walked just perfectly and even wanted to wear my black ones. I had to "no go" those due to them being a little too high and too grown up for her! None the less I now have to lock my shoes up! I had hoped I would have a couple more years before my shoes came up missing but I guess not!

The stress in the house has eased up finally. Having orders in hand has really made things easier and the light at the end of the tunnel is the Texas border after all! I was beginning to think it was that damn train coming back to run over me again! I will try to blog as much as I can, but with everything being packed in 11 days and having to separate what is coming with us it will be nearly impossible. Once we get settled I will start back to posting at least 3 times a week. I hope you are all doing well and things are going great!

OH Shit! 100 posts!!!! Holy SHIT!

I may have to do a giveaway or something to celebrate! Damn!