Be free to be yourself

I thought maybe I was being an emotional dumb ass the other day and thought that I might be over reacting. Uh, not so much the case. I ordered some awesome couples toys from edenfantasys thinking it would put a spark back into things and that was so far from the truth! I've had one night stands. (Gasp, OMG, how could she?) Yea, I have nothing to hide so I can admit I used to be a whore. So I know the feeling when someone isn't into the act of fornication. That's how I felt last night! Like I was a disposal for sperm because someone was just going through the actions.

I totally tried to explain how I felt and thought I did a good job. I though he understood I felt unwanted, a stranger in my own home, and not important. So his way of making things better was to be a robot and just do what I want and act like I want. (Seriously not cool!) That doesn't fix the problem. That doesn't make things better! Bottom line after our talk ( which was during that wonderful after climax time where you feel relaxed) I got the big picture thrown at me. He isn't happy. I can see it. My heart broke. No my heart shattered! For Christ sake he left the bedroom after sex and slept on the couch!

I felt like I was doing the walk of shame down my own hallway! That is not cool. For months ( a year to be exact) I have been patient. I dealt with the mood swings, the impatience, and the low sex drive. I have been here. I have supported him. I have tried and tried again to do this to make things work. After last night the wick on this candle burned out. I have to tell my children that the man that they love will be leaving our life. I will now have to hold each of them as they cry because I know this is going to be hard on them! Forget my pain. He reminded them how daddy's should be and loved them when their own father abandoned them.

I remember the look on their faces when I told them Stephen and I were splitting. I know the hurt they went through. I was there when Nate promised them he would never leave. The kids accepted that. They latched on to him. Little Diva has to have her daddy time. I worry about her health and how she is going to take this blow. Big Diva is at the age where I think this will scar her worse and possibly cause her to go even further into an emotional shell. Little man is possibly going to freak out. He hasn't gotten over what his biological father has done. All in all I am not prepared to handle this. Nothing can make this any easier. This hurts horribly.

So here it is 2 weeks before what should be the happiest time of the year and I get to hurt my children. I have to tell them we are leaving. I seriously just want to die. I don't want to break their hearts. I don't want to see their pain. I don't want to deal with my pain. Everyone says, "Divorce is easier the second time!" Bullshit. The thought of living without him upsets me. The thought of not having him lay beside me scares me. But I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I can't run away and pretend nothing ever happened. FML! I am going to the gym to work out!