Sunday, March 20, 2011

Life just isn't fair!

I have been working out for hours at a time since Friday, I have been crying constantly, and I feel so fucking helpless! The little prince was taken from us at 1:30 am on Friday morning, After being in the ER since 4 pm on Thursday! They have sent him to a psychiatric hospital in Shreveport. My poor sweet little baby boy was hearing voices again and they were telling him to do horrible things again. Nothing is worse then knowing you can't help your baby who has a terrible illness.
Our little princes has Skitzophrenia, ADHD, he suffers from PTSD, and he has an anxiety disorder. He was already on several medications to make his life easier and to stop the voices, but the medication for the psychosis wasn't working. This is the third time our little man has had to leave us for inpatient care. I was accepting that he had to go, but not prepared for anything else. I knew what was going to be the outcome of the ER but I wasn't ready to accept the fact that my baby was being taken from us again.
To see his little face turn red and the tears as he had to say goodbye were enough to kill me.
The girls were at a good friends house, THANK GOD, so they had no clue he was gone. After watching him load up in the ambulance I figured I would see my baby in 72 hours, go for family visits, and eventually bring him home when they fix his medication again. We found out Friday morning that isn't the case this time! We will not be bringing our baby home from this hospital. This hospital will be stabilizing him in preparation for a Residential Treatment Center!
I will not have my baby home in my arms for at least 6 months! It could end up being a year!  How do you cope with that? How do you tell his siblings who are attached to him at the hip? How on earth could such a sweet little boy have to suffer from such a terrible illness?
From the begining of the disgnosis I have childproofed my home to avoid dangers. Knives, sharp objects, and dangerous things are where he can not get to them. If they are out side in the back yard I check on him every 5 minutes. That's if I am not out there with them. I have worked so hard to keep him safe and I feel like I have failed him. I  know he is a good place and that this is what he needs but damn I want my baby back! I want to hear his little feet running down the stairs, I wanna hear all the stories about Halo, and I want to be able to wake him every morning and see his smile.
Nate and the girls are suffering so bad also. Which is even harder on me because I can't take their sadness away and help them get better. I feel so bad for them and watching them cry for Ethan makes my heart worse. I try to stay positive in front of the girls so that they don't worry or stress about me. The girls don't know about the longterm care yet. We have chosen to wait on that because they have some important testing coming up in school that their passing to the next grade depends on. So we have to think about their education. And honestly, I can't bring myself to heart them anymore. They are going through so much with just knowing he is in one place again.
We do get to pick the residential treatment center though. So this weekend I am researching all kinds of places. We are very limited because most programs are for the age of 12 and up. Finding one for a 7 year old is a little harder. Not to mention knowing we are deciding on a place that will have my little princess is heartbreaking. I thought it was a good idea that they are letting us pick, but as the research goes on I find it hard to pick one.
I will be updating on Ethan as I can bring myself to write. It's a rough time for us right now and it will be this way for a while. Between traveling to see him just 2 hours away for now, and getting things together for our move. Then we will be traveling 6 to 8 hours away when they transfer him.


Simply Kendra said...

Oh honey I am so sorry. I don't even know what eles to say but I love you lots and lots.

Jen Sparkles said...

Thank You Kendra. I hated to bring the sadness to my blog but I had to get out my feelings. I know I can't be the only parent with a child that has this illness. I am searching for support groups and forums, but can't find any =( Have a wonderful day sweetie!

THUNDERCAT832 said...

feel free to let it all out mama! Just know that you are indeed loved and cared about!