Which way is right?

Is there a correct direction to the perfect path way of life? This week has been a roller coaster. To say the least. I have had 2 conversations  no make that 3 conversations with my x-husband. All have went surprisingly well. Almost to good to be true. Anyway, he's coming down here Sunday throughout Tuesday. We leave the next day for Louisiana, but it is cool. The kids are excited to see their daddy. I am being a supportive mom, but a cautious mom.

On top of that my chest muscle ripped again! Yea, I get to have surgery. After my other surgery! Tomorrow I go get marked up for Abdominalplasty and lypo! I can hardly contain my excitement over this. I am so fucking scared at the same time! I am truly scared. Like every time I think about the surgery my heart just races. This is something I have to get under control before the event.

I had this whole blog laid out in my head, but it's all kinds of fucked up! I have been sitting under the koala tree for about 2 hours. I have forgotten what I want to add to this. So fuck it! Have a wonderful night everyone.

Ramblings and nervous feelings

I sit here waiting for the results of "Diva's" MRI. I am so scared. I am trying to remain positive but it's hard to do right now. Last week I got a small vacation to a psych hospital. I was literally having a nervous/mental breakdown. Turns out it's bipolar and M.D.D ( which is Major Depressive Disorder). Go figure.

2 days after getting out my children informed me they wanted a relationship with their sperm donor! If you don't know the story there's several previous blogs that refer to him. SEVERAL! So in the interest of my children and knowing what it's like to not have my father I caved. I am being positive that he will be the father they want him to be. I love his Uncle so it's nice to be able to speak with them again. My stress level is through the roof though!

So close to the final adoption and now they want him. It's frustrating! Top that with diva's issues, and getting adjusted to new medications!!!! It's killing me. The anti-depressants are making things worse as they start to build up in my system. I literally feel like I am losing my mind. I did get informed that getting better will be hard due to being normal for the first time...lol. That cracked me up.

So if you follow my blog please any advice would be wonderful. I think I just need a great therapist, a .45, a bottle of wine, and a get away car with a driver! 

Be free to be yourself

I thought maybe I was being an emotional dumb ass the other day and thought that I might be over reacting. Uh, not so much the case. I ordered some awesome couples toys from edenfantasys thinking it would put a spark back into things and that was so far from the truth! I've had one night stands. (Gasp, OMG, how could she?) Yea, I have nothing to hide so I can admit I used to be a whore. So I know the feeling when someone isn't into the act of fornication. That's how I felt last night! Like I was a disposal for sperm because someone was just going through the actions.

I totally tried to explain how I felt and thought I did a good job. I though he understood I felt unwanted, a stranger in my own home, and not important. So his way of making things better was to be a robot and just do what I want and act like I want. (Seriously not cool!) That doesn't fix the problem. That doesn't make things better! Bottom line after our talk ( which was during that wonderful after climax time where you feel relaxed) I got the big picture thrown at me. He isn't happy. I can see it. My heart broke. No my heart shattered! For Christ sake he left the bedroom after sex and slept on the couch!

I felt like I was doing the walk of shame down my own hallway! That is not cool. For months ( a year to be exact) I have been patient. I dealt with the mood swings, the impatience, and the low sex drive. I have been here. I have supported him. I have tried and tried again to do this to make things work. After last night the wick on this candle burned out. I have to tell my children that the man that they love will be leaving our life. I will now have to hold each of them as they cry because I know this is going to be hard on them! Forget my pain. He reminded them how daddy's should be and loved them when their own father abandoned them.

I remember the look on their faces when I told them Stephen and I were splitting. I know the hurt they went through. I was there when Nate promised them he would never leave. The kids accepted that. They latched on to him. Little Diva has to have her daddy time. I worry about her health and how she is going to take this blow. Big Diva is at the age where I think this will scar her worse and possibly cause her to go even further into an emotional shell. Little man is possibly going to freak out. He hasn't gotten over what his biological father has done. All in all I am not prepared to handle this. Nothing can make this any easier. This hurts horribly.

So here it is 2 weeks before what should be the happiest time of the year and I get to hurt my children. I have to tell them we are leaving. I seriously just want to die. I don't want to break their hearts. I don't want to see their pain. I don't want to deal with my pain. Everyone says, "Divorce is easier the second time!" Bullshit. The thought of living without him upsets me. The thought of not having him lay beside me scares me. But I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I can't run away and pretend nothing ever happened. FML! I am going to the gym to work out! 

Taking a right turn at the crossroads

Many of you that have read this from the start know it's not exactly been easy. My husband doesn't have children of his own. I can't give him a child. He married me knowing I had 4 children and a lot of baggage. Since we have gotten married it's been one hurdle after another. We survived deployment. Barely. We had our son in and out of hospitals due to his issues. We have struggled so much and I still stayed. Money doesn't make happiness. Love does. Lord knows we had months where there was no money and we were happy.

The Army moved us for the good of our son and to be able to get him the help he needed. The move stressed an already stressed relationship even more. Since we have gotten here our pay has been jacked up from the beginning. There have been even more hurdles added. Now Zoe is having issues and they are life threatening issues. His work is putting such a high demand on him that when he comes home he is a different person and snappy.

I have seen the children change, I have seen a change in myself, and now I see the change in him even more. I am at a crossroad. I have to do what's best for the children, myself, and him. I see that he is unhappy, he is stressed, frustrated, and just mean. I can't change that. I can't help help for my insecurities while I feel I am a stranger in a my own home. I have decided that the best thing is to set him free. No more worry about the health of the children, no more worry about me begging for attention, and no more stress about finances. I can work on me and the kids and help them understand that it's for the best.

It's sucks badly. I have been in tears all morning. I love him so much. I just think this is the best way to end things. This way it doesn't get worse and we end up hating each other. I am leaving with only our clothes and personal items. I am not asking for anything that was bought together. I am not that kind of person. I will not be a bitch and take everything. I love him to much for that. Maybe he can figure out a way to get help and realize what is going on. I have tried to explain but it doesn't work. Maybe now he can get help and realize what I have been trying to tell him all along.

This isn't easy by any means. I love him with every ounce of my body. He has been there for us. Now he needs to be there for himself.

Looking for a naughty present? Look here!

IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 STOP HERE!

If you are like me and I know most of you are then I have the perfect place for all your sexy and naughty gift ideas! How many of you readers actually know about edenfantasys? They are an excellent source for those adult gifts. They now carry make up!!!! Which is freaking awesome! The idea of having everything in a one stop shop is freaking awesome!!!!

 I have decided to share with you the joy of lip balm!

This is the 12 days of Christmas lip set!

What a wonderful array of colors! Click on over and check it out! This would make a great gift for anyone on your Christmas list!

For you body lovers there are plenty of lotions, oils, moisturizers, and for those naughty little elves they have edible body treatments! I am telling you there is something for everyone at edenfantasys.

Now to the great part! The Holiday sale is going on right now!!!! You can save up to 70% off select products! Who wouldn't want to take advantage of that? I know I am taking advantage of that!

The thought of a new sex toy for a discounted price makes me all warm and fuzzy inside! OK, so it's probably the day dream I just had about that new toy, but it's a wonderful feeling!

edenfantasys isn't just for the ladies! So you men out there can find your needs as well! My husbands personal fave is the Fleshlight. This thing goes on deployments, field exercises, and gets used when I have a headache. Yes, I get headaches... lol. In the spirit of Christmas since I shared his fave sex toy I figured I would share mine also! It's the Under the Bed Restraint System! I love when I get to be dominated. This set is freaking amazing and pretty much stays on my bed! There are beginner sets to work your way up to the restraint system.

If bondage isn't your cup of tea and you are more reserved they have a huge list of other wonderful toys! I just added the G4 tiger to my wish list! Check it out! It looks amazing and the reviews make me want to order it today!

So now that I have tickled your Fancy's or shall I say fantasy's. Jump on over and check out all they have to offer!



I am addicting to looking perfect and FYF!!

Yet again I bought a bottle of OxyELITE Pro. (Yes, I know I did have an issue with it, but I waited 2 months to get this botttle) This time I added Omega Cuts Extreme Muscle Definition. I have 20 damn pounds to go!!!! The scale this morning screamed 155!!! Two months with no supplements, lots of stress, little to no exercise, and no weight gain! I can wear my daughters size 9 skinny jeans!!! With the 20 pounds I need to loose I know I will be a 7 quick! Realisticly size 5 isn't going to happen, but HELL I didn't think I would see this!!! I feel freaking awesome! Also, Thanks to a very sexy woman yesterday I saw for the first time the body I have now and not a 500 pound beached whale! I had to go to Victoria Secret's and get remeasured for bras. 36 D!!!! Damn near a 34 !!!! That alone will make a woman who has worked hard realize her accomplishments! It's not just the pants getting bigger! I needed to see the whole package! So I poured myself into a corset, which I haven't been able to wear from there in 6 years!) and I found my self feeling sexy! I came up with the perfect outfit for New Years Eve! Even if we don't go anyhere! That corset top, some jeans that fit, and these sexy ass Zebra heels I bought! OOPS! I hope the hubby doesn't read this!!!!!

Now for my Fuck You Friday!!!

Fuck You Aafes!!!!!!!!!!!! They are not allowing OxyElite Pro to be sold on post anymore! It's too strong. (If you ask me it's helping with the weight program people and they can't kick them out!)

Fuck you to the Stores!!!!!! I can't find a sexy zebra shirt to wear with mynew heels.

Fuck You sickness that has latched onto Zoe! I need you to go away and find a field mouse or something else!

Fuck You Stephen!!!!!! For years I struggled with how I look due to the women you cheated with! I have now realized I wasted time. It was never me! It was you! I am beautiful and sexy. You knew you would never top me so you had to go lower!

I have made a lot of self improvement. I have done a lot of thinking! The negative is gone. Carefree, happy, and bitchy Jen is back! I have to be extra strong for Zoe and I want her to see positives not negatives! 

Have a great weekend everyone.! This isn't spell checked due to time issues. That and I just don't care...lol.