It's Naughty list time!!!!

A wonderful way to get your naughtiness out. It was started by a crazy, no holds barred, balls to wall chick! Seriously, if you don't believe me head on over and read her blog. While you are there join the Naughty List and follow her blog. You will not be disappointed! 

This week my naughtiness is not at all that naughty. I decided that I have to have sex when I want it! Not when the husband wants it. I got inebriated last night in hopes of having some dirty wild sex, but I was stalled in my tracks! So, when I got told not right now I am still stressed I said " Fuck this I will do myself" So, I got close with my fave toy, made myself happy, and became content. Then when he came to bed I rolled over and ignored him! I have needs and wants and I will not go without because he needs a minute. You make me wait and I will make you wait!

I also decided that I will be taking more time for me. Yes, this is something I haven't done for a long time! So I planned a trip for me and the kids to visit a friend while he goes to Louisiana being an escort! The kids and I will enjoy the three days doing every crazy thing we can do. While the kids can't bar hop or partake in strip clubs we will have fun! I booked a sexy photo shoot for one of those days just for mommy! So it's going to be awesome! What a better way to celebrate a 70 pound weight loss!!!!!

See, not naughty in the least. I know it isn't as cool as the linky creator but give me time. The Holidays bring out the naughty in me! Usually its more evil, but still naughty. Have a wonderful week.



Really, why make an Angel struggle?

Today was a long day for all of us. My precious little angel "Diva" had a full seizure and 2 partials. Now I know most of you are going "Come on Jen and woman up." These particular seizures hit me as if I was driving 85 mph and slammed straight into a brick wall that didn't budge! You see "diva" started having seizures at the age of 14 months! They followed a hard 14 months. She died not once but 3 times before she turned 6 months.

She never hit the milestones the other babies or her siblings had hit by 6 months. She was 13 months before she pulled herself up. Looking at her you would never had guessed that. She was smiling and always happy. The night she had her very first gut wrenching seizure she smiled within 2 seconds of coming out of it. This was the day she had her tongue clipped due to being tongue tied. (Mommy was a big ball of mess!)

She went on for the next 4 years having seizures despite the medication. At the age of four they found her ear canals were blocked. She was 85% deaf. They unblocked the ears and placed tubes. Her hearing became perfect. Within weeks she was uttering words. She started singing. We discovered her love of music had increased.

We were told then that it would be a miracle if our angel was with us at her sixth birthday. That birthday came and went. The seizures stopped and her learning was taking off. She had started down the road that appeared to lead her to being on track for her age. Over the course of the past year we have noticed her short term memory loss. She was forgetting what she learned 3 weeks prior. As of last week we found out in fact she is now back at a first grade level. She is 9!

As I sat in her meeting at school and listened to those teachers go over everything my heart sank. We couldn't understand how this could have happened. Well, the answer hit me at 7 this morning when I walked in her room and found her having a seizure. Suddenly everything was clear. The seizures were back and they were back with a fury.

She had one on the way to the hospital and one in the waiting room. With each seizure I saw the lines on her face, the draw on her mouth on the right side, and the terror in her eyes. My poor baby smiled through it all. It never phased her, but took years off me. Her EEG was severely abnormal. So bad to the point where the Neuro Doc was questioning the reading. After 7 hours we left with a seizure medication to start, a Genetic counseling appointment, a date for hospitalization, and ton of stuff to process.

Most of all questions! How can this happen? What did I do wrong? Why would such an angel be cursed with something else? How can God have this kind of plan for such a strong little girl who has already suffered so much? It's not fair. I can't help but think of something a wise friend said to me, "God doesn't give you something you can't handle."

My little girl is so caring, so happy, so strong, and always sees the good in everything and everyone! I am so mad that I can't take this from her! To take the pain away and know she will be alright. The hardest thing to swallow is the fear of not knowing. The fear of listening to yet another doctor mutter, "You have to understand that this could be fatal. She could end up with irreversible damage. "Diva" could have an underlying condition that could result in a not so great outcome."

What is a mother to do? Right now I want to scream, hug the crap out of her, and wrap her in bubble wrap all at the same time! I am lost!

"Diva" at a week old

"Diva" at a year

"Diva" today

I refuse to believe we can't beat this! I will not give up. My baby girl will be alright!



Wow, didn't see that coming!

It's been so long since I have blogged on the regular. Things have been all crazy and up in the air. Finally settled in at the new house. Can't say that I love it here. I actually hate it here. Did I mention I hated it here? Every street has drama. Every post has it's share of problems. I just seem to live in the middle of the shit no matter which post we move to. It's like I am a magnet for shit that will go wrong. It's quite funny actually.

I am the type of person that will stop talking to someone if I think they aren't my type of person. I learned my lesson years ago about being someone I am not. I will not be friends with someone that goes against everything I think is right. It's my decision to keep myself surrounded with positive people. Though I am aware that everyone has flaws. EVERYONE.

I have flaws. I do things people think are wrong. I understand that not everyone likes a completely fabulous person. OK, so that is not completely true. I am not completely fabulous, but I am damn close! I love my children and husband very much. I wouldn't dare dream of cheating on him and throwing everything I worked hard on away. I try to do the right thing almost 90% of the time. I think that is a good percentage, but to others they want 100% of the time.

Now that I have rambled on I will sort of get to the point I am making. I have worked hard to be a better person. Anger management was the hardest thing in the world to endure but I have mastered it. I don't believe in going off half cocked anymore. ( I said Cock!) Anyway! I will let things build up to a point where it needs to be addressed. I have grown wiser in my years and know that slapping the stupid out of someone doesn't get you anything but a CHARGE. I think the best quote I saw today was "You can't shake the stupid out of people!" Lord knows I wish I could, but it's not worth it.

Don't mistake my silence for weakness and fear!

I am a woman who has scars. I have been kick while down and kicked people while they were down. I learned from my mistakes and vowed to never repeat them. Life isn't forever! Life isn't easy! We didn't get a manual on how to get out alive because we don't get out of it alive!

If you don't like me that is on you. If you think I have issues then to you maybe I do. I am me. That is all I can ever be. If you think you are better then me GREAT! Everyone should have a high self-esteem. =) If you are talking about me behind my back then kiss my ass while you are there!

Haters make me famous!



Keeping my sanity

I once again had to say goodbye to my child. After having him home a week after he gets out of residential he had to go back! This time to a different facility and now we have no clue what is going to happen. I am about to crack. I just want him home for good! I hope this doctor can find the right combination of medications.

In other news. Same shit different day. I hate drama. I don't talk about people behind their backs and quite honestly I don't care to know anyone's business. I moved to be closer to my son. Not to find, create, or be in the middle of drama. I figure if I keep to myself I can avoid the drama and not want to slit my wrists.

While yes my neighbors are quite nice and my children have made new friends I just feel that I am alone. No one is going through this sort of thing and no one can understand the true way my brain works. I think about things deeply and look at all angle's. I expect the negative because I am a pessimist. It's part of being a paranoid schzophrenic.

I don't trust anyone. I have constant thoughts that negative shit will happen. So I question everything. I have learned that if you don't put yourself in the situation then you don't have to worry about the outcome. With that being said I am probably deleting all my social media sites. I have to much going on to add anything new to the pot. 

The view from the outside sucks

Sometimes I sit back and look at things. My views are different from others but that is why they are in fact my views. Now with that being said, it's one of those blogs where I have to get shit off my chest before I fucking explode. I have a friend (and I use that term loosely) that is having a hard time. Now if you are having a hard time I understand people cope differently. Yes, I know that everyone is different. Shocker! Any who. I have noticed a trend. She is talking shit about others behind their back, but still continues to treat them as they are her friends.

This is my opinion. My own twisted fucking thought process came up with the following thought. If you are talking about someone behind their back then don't fucking talk to them to their face. That is how Drama starts and honestly there isn't something I would say behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face. Seriously, ladies and gentlemen. If you talk about someone behind their back and then go to them for help or go to them cause they have the cool stuff you want... NEW FLASH: THAT'S USING SOMEONE!

Another thing that just chaps my ass. When you have a great man, but you bitch about him! We are all quilty of that from time to time. It's the women that take it to the extreme and just treat their man like shit 24/7 that pisses me off. If you aren't happy leave him so he can find a good woman that will love him!

I know this has ended up being a bitch fest but damn. I hate seeing people I know do shady shit! If you talk about me behind my back I could care less. Truth be told I don't trust anyone anyway. Chances are I assume you are talking about me anyway! That's part of my issues.

 I am cutting out the negative in my life. So I am cutting out the negative people.

I took my vows seriously when I said " I DO". I love, honor, and cherish my husband. Not just when I want something, but all the time! I wouldn't dare cheat on him. Lord knows I could have by now, but chose to be faithful. How hard is it? I don't care if you swear you are the biggest NYMPHO, you can masterbate till your man comes home! Trust me I know this all too well!

Ladies, please think before you cheat, lie, or treat your man like shit!

Gentlemen, please think before you cheat, lie, or treat your lady like shit!

KARMA is a BITCH! 

Wow... same crap different place and time.

I sit here in the new house wondering why I even moved. Yes, we finally made it to Fort Sam Houston. Thanks to the moving company we lost a lot of our household goods. They were either damaged or just totally missing. Hell, a lot of our shit was so broken it looked like they threw it off the truck. That started the shitty time here.

I had done all the paperwork for school for the fall semester and did the paperwork for the GI Bill. Only to find out that I had to drop the classes cause I wouldn't be able to get the shit I needed in time! I can't find a job, need to buy a new washer and dryer, new beds for the kids, school clothes, and school supplies.

So you see the stress. It's a fucking 6 foot hole that I am laying in the bottom of. The dirt is falling in on top of me and there isn't shit I can do.

The only positive thing this week so far is finding out Ethan is coming home next week. I just hope I can find a job before then because he has grown so much since he has been gone and needs a new wardrobe. So yes, the move didn't make things better. It fucked shit up far worse then it was! Don't even get me started on the King of the house. I will be back to blogging on the reg and things will get happier.... maybe. 

Another addiction I have to fight

For years I struggled with a drug addiction. Constantly starving myself. I would look in the mirror and see this horrendous body. I still do to this day. I constantly see a 500 pound me who looks disgusting and isn't happy. I put shit up my nose and in my veins for years trying to achieve the perfect body. It never worked! Everyone else saw bones and luggage under my eyes. I saw the same fat girl that was never gonna be skinny.

I am still this way to this day. Seriously, the scale says 57 pounds lighter. I see 100 pounds heavier! I will never see myself the way everyone else does. It scares me and aggravates me so much. In my quest to get healthier I made a horrible mistake. I feed my body the closest legal substance that mirrors the one drug I still crave. So what does my body do it gets attached to the OxyELITE. Yes it does work, but for me it's a nightmare now.

 The 2 weeks I took off after the first bottle I noticed I was angry and couldn't be still. I got another bottle and everything was fine. I noticed as I entered the last two weeks of this bottle I started wanting to take more. I was taking all three in the morning. I was drinking 12 bottles of water a day. I wasn't eating because I actually started getting sick when I thought of food. So when I ate I started making myself get sick after I ate. I started eating ex-lax 2 times a day. I was becoming irritated at small things and antsy. I couldn't get over heated without feeling really sick. Saturday I realized I had a huge problem. I gave the OxyElite away thinking I would just stop taking it and I would get better.

Not the case!

My skin is crawling, my muscles are hurting, and I feel horrible. I can't eat now without getting sick because I feel into the routine again. It took me years to over come forcing myself to get sick after meals and it took days to make it a habit again. I find myself searching for the ex-lax (thank god I ran out) so I can the food out of my system that I can't get back up! I am smoking more so I screwed up quitting that. I can't seem to concentrate and I don't want to do the things I love doing!

I wanted to look great for summer and while I did lose weight I created more issues that are so much worse then the extra weight I had on! I have stressed my heart, my kidneys, and my liver. I have starved myself of nutrients it needs and I am wrecking my body with weights at the gym. I literally workout till I hurt and can't move!

I am scared to death. I really think that my head is just so fucked up that I will never look great and I will never be happy. I just want to be happy and be beautiful! Why the fuck can't I just be beautiful and happy? So many of my friends are happy and love themselves. I never have. I sit here and spend money on clothes, makeup, shoes, and the latest shit. All of those things are nice but in the end they don't help me look in the mirror and be happy!

Sometimes I just think that taking 6 months and going back to the old me will make me happy. It will give me the progress I want. Then I realize that is just dumb. If putting shit up my nose and in my veins didn't work before it sure as hell isn't going to work now! Maybe I just need to be committed.